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"What the hell am i doing here?". That is the question that i ask myself every single day. What am i doing in UiTM? Why am i doing foundation here? Why do i want to pursue medicine? Lately, i find myself doubting my ambitions in life. I know i am smart. Not as intelligent as some but smart nonetheless. However, seeing the top scorers acing every single quiz,test and exams makes me wonder whether i am smart enough to pursue a medical degree. A doctor once told me, "Anyone can be a doctor, you just need patience, passion and hard work." True as it may be, i still wonder if i am qualified enough to study medicine. Being a doctor is the one constant thing in my life.Sure i had other ambitions like becoming and astronaut, an astronomer, even a power ranger at one point but being a doctor was always my biggest dream. Unfortunately, being a doctor is the ambition of thousand of other Malaysians. Its the 'it' thing to do nowadays. I mean almost everyone in the science stream wants to become a doctor. Out of the hundreds of SPM high scorers, you can bet there will be twenty or thirty students wanting to become doctors.

The number of doctors doing their housemanship has increased so rapidly that even the officers in charge are unable to control and keep track f them. Some doctors even finish their housemanship without even gaining any experience or learning anything. Are these the doctors that you want to be roaming around treating patients? Instead of curing patients, they will just leave a trail of dead bodies. It was predicted that Malaysia will experience a 'saturation of doctors' soon. If there are so many doctors in Malaysia, why is there still a lack of doctors in government hospitals and clinics? Where did all the young,ambitious doctors go? Sadly, the idea of long hours working in government hospitals does not appeal to them. Instead, they flee to the comforts of the private sector or open up their own clinic. I must say, i am seeing clinics popping up everywhere like mushrooms! In a small town, there could be five to six clinics. I once plucked the courage to ask a doctor why did he open up his own clinic instead of working in a government hospital, his reply was simple "The working hours are not flexible and the pay is so low." I understand that money is important but that is just ridiculous. Do you become a doctor to make tons of money or do you do it to help people? Since when did medicine become a glamorous profession instead of the noble one it was before? Is the title of DOCTOR in front of your name more important than helping people? Unfortunately, GLORY is far more important and satisfying.

Could I be one of these people? Do i really want to become a doctor to help people or because the glory that i think i would achieve? My biggest fear is that i would not be the good doctor that i hope to be.For all i know, i might end up being those cold, unfriendly doctors who show no warmth towards their patients. They view their patients like objects and nothing more. The 7 week break has given me time to reevaluate my goals and priorities. Fortunately, i still believe that i can make a difference in the medical field. It may be small, but still, a difference. I may not be the smartest person, but what i lack in intelligence i shall make up in passion and determination.

Lately, i saw the setbacks that i faced this year as a sign from God. Could it be that i am not meant to be a doctor? That i would end up in a different field all together? That i have been to arrogant and proud to think that i could become a doctor? I must admit, i did consider dropping the idea of pursuing medicine. However, seeing friends in medical school motivated me to stop thinking negatively and moping around and start working harder.Walls are made for you to climb over it, not to stop you. With this renewed fire burning within me, i find myself determined as ever to become a doctor. Hopefully, i will.